Singkat Saja..

Sebelum aku merasakannya..
Aku tahu aku sudah bosan dengan Senja.
Terlalu banyak orang yang tinggal disana
Tidak ada tempat buat duduk, dan udara disana pengap.

Dan aku adalah orang dengan agoraphobia
Takut keramaian.

Lalu aku memutuskan untuk menunggu lebih lama.
Malam datang
Namun Senja keburu pergi
Ikutlah orang-orang pergi.

Malam pun akhirnya ditakdirkan untuk selalu sendiri.
Ia kalah dengan Senja yang lebih populer
Senja yang agung
Senja yang sedikit.

Tapi malam selalu bersabar
Ia terus hidup sampai fajar datang
Rela diabaikan
Agar para penikmat Senja bisa tidur tenang.

Ketika Senja terlalu sibuk untuk segera berlalu
Malam masih tenang, dengan temaramnya menenangkan.

Aku selalu memilih malam di atas senja
Aku tidak butuh Senja
Yang sedikit
Dan yang terburu-buru itu.

Biar orang berkata apapun soal Malam.
Jahat
Buruk
Gelap
Seram
Sesat
Karena aku tidak peduli.
Aku akan menetap dengan Malam.

Aku adalah orang dengan agoraphobia
Malam gelap.
Aku adalah orang dengan agoraphobia
Malam sepi
Aku adalah orang dengan agoraphobia
Malam, tidak ada yang peduli.

Dibalik malam cahaya bersembunyi
Disana keramaian menungguku
Biarlah, tanpa teman hanya Malam hari
Asal mereka tidak menggangguku.

Para fanatik Senja itu.

Leave It

Good afternoon everyone! It had been a long time since I wrote my last English post. So, I'll try not to screw this up with grammatical errors here and there (which is the main problem that hold me back to write in English besides those fake visitors). I'm not going to write any pathetic, melancholic, useless, weird stuff this time, but rather I will write some kind of review about a song.

First, do not expect me to review it thoroughly or technically. Since I'm not capable of reviewing songs in such way, but I will review it in terms of its music, palpably, and the main focus of this review, its lyrical content or meaning. The song I'd like to review today came from London gentlemen which are creating music in this band called Bombay Bicycle Club, and the song is called "Leave It". What is it about? Is it very deep in meaning or just plain? Well, let's review it out.

I purposefully embed the video up there because, I think the lyrics and the music video have a strong relationship, or in other words, the video visualized what the lyric or the song is about. And I'm not choosing this song randomly, because after hours of hours of crowding my ears with its tunes I strongly believe that this song has something in it.

First of all here are the lyrics, I copy-paste it from the link: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/bombaybicycleclub/leaveit.html 

LEAVE IT

Don't think it's what you're afraid of
Come in you know what's been made up
Hold you tight, words have a new sound
Reading the signs that just seep out
You've got to leave it

"Don't you go evade me now
Come see what you've done"

Each of your reasons has broken
Call it off once you have spoken
Filled to the top then split open
Repeating over and over
Now you have to leave it

"Don't you go evade me now
Come see what you've done
I keep thinking lately how
All these feelings won"

To put it simply, this song is about how we have to accept and move on from something we have lost, generally. But if I review it per stanza of the lyrics, then it became a more complex interpretation. Oh yes, before I start to review it per two lines or more, I see the lyrics of the song is came from a first person that is talking to the third person.  The first two lines of the lyrics "Don't think it's what you're afraid of/ Come in you know what's been made up" is about the first person saying to the other that "it is not something you have to be afraid of", and then the first person seems to have the other to not turn away from what he/she has lost and ask the person to see and not to forget what the person has lost. Then the part "Hold you tight, words have a new sound/ Reading the signs that just seep out/ You've got to leave it" is about the first person who is there, beside the other and supporting him/her. About the part "words have a new sound", I am not quite sure but, I think it is about the other person's surroundings and facts that have changed since the loss. and then the next part is likely not too far and connected to the previous part and it is about seeing how everything changed since and it is likely that the change brings the other person sadness, which he/she has to "leave it" outright.

The first chorus "Don't you go evade me now/ Come see what you've done" is about the first person telling the other to not turning his/her back away from the loss and face the loss.

Going to the second verse, it seems that I cannot review it part by part, because they are connected to each other and they are a unity. The second verse is about how the other person keep reasoning about the loss to run away from it or forget it, but the person seems cannot ignore the fact that something has lost from him/her so the reasons made is useless. And again, he/she has to (accept and) "leave it".

The second chorus is the same as the previous chorus with the exception that it has been added with "I keep thinking lately how/ All these feelings won". Honestly the additional sentences there confuse me, and it seems, because the additional sentences, the song has two "endings". First ending is that "these feelings" the first person mentioned is about that feelings of constancy, patience, with the presence of love and hope make the third person in loss "won" his/her struggle with the sadness of loss. The second ending, however, is not a quite pleasant ending. It is about "these feelings" of despair, sadness, and other unpleasant feelings that unpleasantly "won" over the third person and made the first person in a confusion of "how he/she cannot accept it and move on?"

The video I embed on top is the means to understand this song appropriately. I will not explain what happened in the video scene by scene, but rather I will summarize what is inside it and what is it about. The video, at first, showing all four members of the band and then moving in circle and showing different people with different background. It is showing the cycle of life and also what happened in life the most: gain and loss. The video shows how human, people are born to the world, life their live, and then gain something when they are growing up, but also lose something in life too. The video finally ends showing people in black suit and a woman in black, in black veil, holding a jar of the deceased ash and then shooting one candle that is still aglow and then died, all in the same circular shooting manner.

To summarize this review, the song is telling its listeners that loss is something that is just waiting to be happened and will be happened for sure, but we cannot sad or mourn over it for too long. We have to be strong, we have to accept it, we should not forget about it.

Thank you for your attention! (that is, if there is someone or some ones reading this with attention) Please don't be offended or thinking that I am a smartass. No, I'm not. All of those words I have written is truly and purely based on my opinion. If you have other different interpretation about it, or critics or suggestion but (please) not any negative response to it (and to me), please comment and let me know. Bye for now.

Dalam Ruangan Kosong

Suatu hari saya masuk ke sebuah ruangan kosong

Meskipun kosong, disana ada satu orang

duduk sendiri dan terdiam

Cuma tembok kaku dan dingin

Sayup-sayup angin berbisik

Dan kegaduhan orang-orang di lantai bawah

yang menemaninya.

Tadinya saya mau duduk di sebelah dia

Tapi tidak jadi.

Jadi saya pilih Kursi paling depan

dan bersamanya, duduk termenung bersamaan.

Di dalam kesepian itu

Saya berpikir, dunia ini terlalu ramai

Terlalu banyak manusia di dalamnya

Terlalu banyak manusia di bumi yang 

Tidak ada di ruangan ini.

Lalu saya berganti khayalan

Bagaimana kalau saya dan dia

Seperti Adam dan Eva

dan ruangan ini diibaratkan sebagai Dunia

Tapi bedanya,

Tuhan mentakdirkan kita untuk terus hidup berdua

Kita mungkin bisa terus bercinta

Di dalam kegelapan dengan semua peluh dan suara desah dan desis

Tapi tetap, Kita hanya bisa hidup berdua.

Bahkan, sebenarnya

Kami berdua telah menjadi Adam dan Eva

Kami berdua adalah Adam dan Eva yang hidup dan duduk

Di masing-masing kesibukan dengan kesendirian.

Harapan, di saat-saat seperti ini, sama dengan ejekan.

Saya yakin kami sama-sama berharap, akan ada yang masuk lewat pintu di depan sana

Karena dari tadi suara sepatu bolak-balik melintasi ruangan ini

Tapi tak ada satupun yang masuk untuk mengisi.

Saya kira saya adalah makhluk paling menyedihkan

Dan paling menderita di ruangan ini

Karena saya tidak tahu harus berbuat apa dengan waktu dan ruang

Yang keduanya sama-sama kosong.

Ini namanya mubazir, kata orang.

Tapi ternyata saya punya teman, ya.. itu

Dia yang duduk di baris ke lima setelah saya.

Saya yakin dia telah melihat saya memasuki ruangan

dan seharusnya tidak ada urusan lagi untuk melihat ke arah saya

dan mengamati saya. tidak ada gunanya

tidak penting.

Tapi mata di belakang kepala saya seakan-akan membohongi

Saya terus-menerus semenjak saya duduk dan menghabiskan waktu

Kurang lebih 10 menit sejak saya duduk.

Ia memberi peringatan (salah) bahwa orang di belakang melihat tepat ke arah saya

Ia meyakinkan saya kalau dia berkata "Dasar orang aneh, duduk diam disana seperti

orang bodoh. Dia pasti tidak punya banyak teman atau tidak punya sama sekali,

Makhluk menyedihkan!"

Itu bohong. Di ruangan yang hanya diisi oleh desis angin dan gema keributan dari bawah ini

Saya bisa mendengarnya bernafas, dan tak ada kata-kata yang keluar darinya.

Dan bodohnya, saya percaya.

Ruangan yang luas karena kekosongan ini seharusnya dingin

Tapi saya berkeringat tidak terkendali karena kebohongan mata belakang

yang saya percayai.

Jantung saya meledak-ledak, saluran pernapasan saya menyempit

Tersumbat kegelisahan dan ketakutan.

Dan betapa Tuhan, makhluk-makhluk langit, setan, dan saya sendiri tahu

betapa munafik dan konyolnya saya saat ini,

yang memasang tampang tenang ketika jiwa saya bergoncang hebat di dalam.

Orang itupun tak kalah mengintimidasi saya kembali,

Suara velcro yang ditarik, gesekan sebah benda dengan permukaan dalam tas,

ritsleting yang berderik, celetukan tabung pulpen, dan benturan bola logam dalam 

tip-ex.. Demi Tuhan! apa yang akan ia lakukan? Apa ada sesuatu yang saya tidak tahu

dan akan saya harus lakukan hari ini di ruangan ini? Apa yang ia tahu? Apa yang saya tidak tahu?

Apa yang membuat saya tidak bisa mencoba untuk mencari tahu? Sial! Sial! Sial!

Saya tidak punya alat apapun untuk membuat saya terlihat sibuk. Sial! makin bodoh dan tidak berguna

Saya terlihat!

Dihadapkan pada situasi seperti itu, saya tidak mau terus diam

Tapi.. Keluar? Tidak bisa. Buat apa keluar? Saya akan hanya terlihat kikuk

dan terlihat oleh lebih banyak orang. Mengambil buku dan pensil? Buat apa?

Saya sedang tidak bisa menulis ataupun menggambar, dan lagipula

Itu hanya membuat saya lebih konyol karena saya akan dicap sebagai peniru

Oleh yang di belakang, menurut saya.

Saya hanya bisa diam.. diam.. terus berdiam

dan mati, karena eksistensi saja tidak jelas

dan tujuan hidup (di ruangan ini) tak terarah.

Kesunyian ini memberikan detak jam di depan ruangan

terdengar sangat jernih. Saya tidak pernah mendengar detakan

Yang jelas, jernih, keras seperti ini.

Melihat ke dalam lingkaran yang di dalamnya terdapat 3 jarum yang

mengatur waktu, dengan 12 sampai 60 angka di dalamnya, membawa saya untuk

masuk ke sana dan mengatur ulang apa yang terjadi..

Sehabis melihat ke arah jam itu, seharusnya.. saya harus berdiri, memutar badan ke belakang

lalu berjalan mendekati satu-satunya orang di belakang.

lalu saya akan berkata "boleh saya duduk disini?" yang dimana "disini" berarti di sebelah kiri

orang itu.

Saya akan bertanya "maaf, dari mana ya?" dan selanjutnya (tentunya) akan dijawab dengan

Kelas, angkatan, jurusan, dan mungkin tanpa diduga menyakan pertanyaan balik yang sama

Setelah itu mungkin saya dan orang itu akan bertukar informasi soal nama.

Saya berkeinginan untuk menyuarakan betapa bodohnya kesunyian ini, dan orang itu mungkin

akan membalasnya dengan nada, intonasi, volume, dan gaya bahasa yang hampir sama dengan saya.

Setelah itu mungkin kita akan bercerita soal kehidupan masing-masing

Bagaimana payah, sepi, datar, tak bertemannya kehidupan saya dan bagaiamana sibuknya, ramainya, bahagianya kehidupan orang itu. Namun, bisa saja kita berdua bernasib sama.

Bisa saja, juga, saya akan jatuh cinta dengan orang itu. Karena suaranya yang merdu saat orang itu

menjatuhkan pulpennya dengan tidak sengaja,

Atau bisa jadi karena ekspresi muka orang itu, saat saya melihat sepintas

saat saya mengamati ruangan kosong ini.

Selanjutnya mungkin saya akan bilang "Seharusnya kamu tidak sendiri, pasti ada yang berkewajiban

menemanimu" itu strategi

Dan mungkin orang itu akan bilang "Menemani? tidak, saya tidak punya seseorang yang seperti itu." itu hasil dari strategi tadi.

Lalu, mungkin, saya akan melanjutkan strategi selanjutnya "itu aneh karena.. pasti

banyak orang yang ingin menemanimu" 

Dan.. kita mungkin bisa lebih dekat sejak saat itu.

Ternyata sudah sangat lama saya menatap jam di depan

Dan saya baru terbangun ketika ada getaran dari ponsel dalam saku

"Kelas tidak ada hari ini, Kasih tahu yang lain saya sedang tidak bisa mengajar karena

harus menguji mahasiswa di sidang skripsi." itu yang tercetak di layar yang tidak lebih

besar dari kartu mahasiswa.

Mungkin ini tandanya, untuk berbalik ke belakang dan mendekati orang itu

dan melaksanakan strategi tadi.

Ponsel sudah masuk ke dalam saku, tas sudah digantungkan di sebelah bahu,

nafas sudah tenang tidak memburu, dan kaki-kaki saya sudah sangat siap

Berjalan ke kemenangan di bagian belakang ruangan

Dan bagaimana saya sangat terpukau ketika

Entah berapa lamanya saya menatap jam

Entah berapa lama pesan itu sampai dan 

Entah berapa lama saya bertopangdagu di depan,

menatap jam, tidak menghiraukan desis angin

tidak menghiraukan gema keributan di bawah, dan tidak menghiraukan orang itu yang beranjak pergi

entah sejak kapan, melalui pintu depan.

9.06

Broken Love Letter

I'm sorry,
I shouldn't had those words be said to you. To someone like you.
It is just.. that wasn't me. It was another me who talk like that, in such way.
I'm sorry,
It has been too long, it seems, for me to realize that.. I have done a big mistake.
We know each other very well, very damn well, I guess.
You don't have to tell me that you know me like you know your back of your hand.
So do I, I know you. I really know you, with all my confidence, I do really know you.
I'm sorry,
There wasn't that much words I could speak. There wasn't proper expression came to known
for you to know who I really am, what kind of feelings I have for you.
I'm sorry,
I just have to keep this distance to not getting closer and closer. I bet you know I can't.
You know.. Life is the best, the most pathetic, and ironic show. Life is a comedy.
I mean.. how someone could let her or himself to be fallen in love again after being hurt
so many times? Don't they acknowledged that there are possibilities for them to be hurt again
someday if they are falling in love again?
No, no I am not. I am not writing a pathetic love letter which contains pathetic, sad expression.
That's not me.
I am just, writing what I want to tell you all this time. Those words, Those expressions, Those feelings
I burried deep inside my own existence.
Then again, about love, since when there are lovers? Being a lover is a kind of cowardice.
Why? and no, I'm not insulting you. It is because a lover, even lovers, has that almost absolute
freedom, total control of "love". Well. if that is their "love" they are having.
I am coward now, you have to know that. She has to know this to, but I can't let her knows about you.
How brave I declare that I am a coward won't change the fact that I am a coward, you and her have to know this too.
What I mean about total control of "love" is that kind of power that allows one to "use" love, to make use of "love", to get the best, the most of "love".. having love as a tool.
I am 100% aware that I am one of the member of such party that make use of such "love", but I never knew that before until recently. Love as a tool means that it can be used (and can only be used) to satisfy one's desire, one's lust. This kind of person, this kind of "love" will only bring its lovers to a pathway of doom, the way of being perfect sinners.

I'm sorry..
for loving you.
I'm sorry..
For love has to affect me with such effect
I'm sorry..
For I'm not strong enough to resist it
I'm sorry..
That I have to love you while I am obliged to forget a loved one.
I'm sorry..
For being a coward, a coward that always keep his mouth shut to tell you the truth
to tell you that.. I have this feeling I cannot explain, I have this experience I cannot ignore
I have this shame for having this feeling for you while I am still, ridiculously by following those "lovers", bound
with this somekind of relationship.
I'm very sorry for today's silence
I'm very sorry for being an imbecile, a being blinded, an idiot that "have" to be fallen inside your image.

2020

Crimson

I didn't know myself
I didn't know my face
Not or these faces
All I could predict is death

The third eye opened
Then all.. in crimson stain
Lifeless, in silence
Eyes longing for living in any chances

My heart broke
This vision was so clear
There was no smoke
There was no mirror

My body was tied
Death had booked
His bet, tonight
Leaving me as a spectator
Let Him be the traitor

Mocked me like a king
He dance, He run, He sings
Among the limbs
Waiting  to be backfilled

My friends, my foes, my loves
Speaking in the same language
Exhale their longest breath
Spoke their last words and last will
With smiles and guts
Reveal no weary and worry

He tied the Strings
The Strings of His
The Strings that cut
The Strings that scrag
In their necks, their hands, their feet
I could do nothing, as I watched the time is coming

He mocked me like a king
He forbade me to give a single blink
He the conductor, He the conjurer
For tonight's merciless madness

He waited no clang
For the unfortunate choir sang
There was only crimson
For crimson is His color
There was only crimson
For crimson satisfy His thirst
There was only crimson
Crimson, everywhere, I could see
There was only, this crimson
So foul, so condemned
Rot, rotten, rotting everywhere
From them, the ones I love
From them, who fed the Death a good deal.

21.06

Bersiaplah pergi
Raih semua itu
Mereka yang tidak akan
Pernah kembali

Bawa dirimu dan
Injakkan kakimu
di tanah yang baru
Jangan pernah melihat ke b'lakang

Masa depan tak pantas
'Tuk dilihat dan dicerna
Biarkan hidup mengalir
Seperti adanya

Tusuk mati lawanmu
Bela tanah airmu
Buang muka dan
Buka mata

Hanya daging dan tulang
Kita adanya
Guratan hitam di kertas
Jangan dijadikan alasan
'Tuk membalas

Tampung air mata ibumu
Basuh, resapi di wajahmu
Tampung keringat ayahmu
Tenggak, dan bakar hidupmu

Jangan melihat tanda
Dengar cerita sebenarnya
Buang kepalsuan
Cari kebenaran

Uang hanyalah kertas
Pikiranmulah barang yang pantas
Kubur harta
dan mulai kritik dunia.

Monday Afternoon

i am young and
i am cold
i'm just a being
Getting old

i'm the flesh
i'm the bones
Wandering the Tunnel
i am alone
Reaching for the light
That never born

i've lost all smiles
i've lost all laughters
Far away, for miles
At the crowd's corner

i am the invisible
i am the hollow
Have lost all feelings
Only apathy grow

No hope
No love
No life
Sanity cease to survive

There still lights in days
There still nights
Dark, deep
Faraway

Let's see the truths
Let's see the lies
Still watching you
Still grasp the life

The sun outside radiates
The warmness for the living
This, deep inside, hideous
Each day, commit the killing