The Little Black Cat

Listen,
Carry me tonight.
Up on your shoulder
Through the crowd.

I spend my life for running

Listen,
Put out all the lights
So I can hide
Where all human sees
Me like a bad luck
Strikes me like a thief
Throw me
away from society.

I heard,
You saw me with your disguise
To make believe you have cares
Maybe, the blacks on my fur
Have penetrates into my heart.

9.23 Jatinangor

perjalanan astral

I

hari yang dulu ku kenal selalu terang
tiba-tiba menghilang.
seperti matahari
dimakan raksasa bumi
atau..
penglihatanku yang telah mati.

tapi tidak..
semuanya terkuak.
saat jiwa ini hilang dari tanah.
melayang.
melihat diri terbujur kaku
tanpa ekspresi atau nafsu.


II

dari kehidupan yang penuh akan kebosanan
hingga kini.
kehidupan yang terasa semu
aku bisa melihat apa yang orang lihat
saat aku tak terlihat.

dari iba yang palsu
hingga tangis dari dalam hati yang tersedu-sedu.

aku sebuah koma
aku berhenti sejenak, lalu akan beranjak.


III

air mata iba
mencucurkan rasa, menumpah ruahkannya ke segala
atau membuatnya menjadi kedok rahasia manusia

dalam kawanan itu.
dalam hingar-bingar kilat putih.
hati yang yang tertunduk, takluk atas kemunafikan.
dan kebohongan

aku hanya bisa melihat

IV

dari alam berwarna abu
tangan menengadah dan ada pula
mata yang meratap penuh ragu

menunggu butiran kekuningan
atau keperakan jatuh
dari tangan ke tangan.

"biarlah hanya tangan INI yang tahu.."

sampai segitukah?
wahai kalian makhluk yang
berberkah?
dengan tangan menengadah

menipu belas kasih manusia.
dengan muka muram dan
wajah manis, nan lemah, nan kecil-mungil
nan lugu

atau
kalian yang seperti ditelantarkan kehidupan
kalian yang menanggung cobaan Tuhan
kalian, ladang kami berbuat kebaikan

hati sejati tak ada berdusta.
Tuhan melihat hati,
Tuhan tahu mana yang baik dan keji
mungkin hanya butuh niat tulus
tanpa iming-iming pencitraan baik
memakai akal bulus.

aku hanya melihat

V

aku tak ingin dulu kembali
aku ingin terus menjelajah lagi..
aku tetap sebuah koma

untuk pencurah abstrak

"aku hanya mengetik
pada sosial media
terdengar menggelitik
dan kadang berbahaya"
"mungkin bukan niat
untuk membuat
curahan-curahan
yang seringnya terlihat murahan"
"mungkin hanya ini yang dilakukan
agar mata yang tertutup, terbuka
dan hati yang temaram, terang
seperti berbisik di tengah keramaian"
"sulit mungkin untuk dimengerti
terserah kau mau bilang apa
dari pengecut hingga banci
mungkin tangan di atas keyboard ini
dapat bergerak sendiri"

Antapani, 10/02/2012

seperti jauh

selalu tertatih, hingga letih
sampai teriak berubah menjadi lirih
dari lembar-lembar putih
yang menghitam, cepat tanpa belas kasih

tergoda dunia
kalian belum melihat neraka
hitam tak seperti surga
putih

menunggu sesosok jiwa pulih
dari tragedi yang sudah terjadi
tak ada waktu untuk bersedih
hanya menimbulkan letih
kembali
aku tengadahkan tangan
meminta pertolongan yang begitu dekat
datang
dari yang kelihatan
seperti jauh

"Aku dengan Keramaian"

Hanya bicara dengan lembar..
demi lembar halaman buku
Bercinta dengan tiap halamannya
sampai ada rasa menusuk kalbu
Bercumbu dengan tiap kata dalam karya,
aku

Berbicara dalam hati,
setelah intrapersonal mati
Melihat dari dalam kepala
mata hitam, kosong tak bersinar
pun tak berpijar
Memandang ke jauh
ke dekat
tak terlihat

Sepasang mata berkuda-kuda
penembak jitu dari dalam senja
mengejar, mengincar

Blitzkrieg, secepat kilat
tak menyisakan ruang
untuk berdiam
Sembunyi, duduk di dalam sunyi
hanyalah aku yang terpisah
dari kehidupan duniawi.

"Tuan Rumah"

Tuan Rumah ramah
Siap sedia beramah tamah
Tamu berdatangan tak terhingga

Tuan Rumah menerima segala
Mau yang meludah, atau yang bercinta di halaman rumah
Tamu adalah Raja

Tuan Rumah marah
Semua yang disedianya dijarah
Terjarah tamu-tamu prasejarah
Semua tinggal nama

Tuan Rumah angkat tangan, ia menyerah
Untuk Dunia yang ia lihat sekarang
"Tuhan tidak adil! Tuhan tidak adil!"
serunya lantang, menantang
Tuhan tertawa dan menoleh menolaknya

Tamu-tamu pergi, Tuan Rumah sendiri
Saling sindir-menyindir dengan bayangan diri dalam cermin
dan bayangan dalam hati.

Visiting the Shadow

Today is Friday, Today i write these whole thing down deep in my mind. Today, this afternoon i watch my wrist watch showing one past thirty minutes, time to go. I learn so much, we learn so much knowledge, science and literature.. Everything! Today. Those rythmic and melodic pattern that always amuse me with the tunes and scales and even genres which i always love. People, college mates who always surounds me everyday, doesn't make me a person i want. I never call them useless, because it is me the one who is useless, can't elaborate and make any manifestations out of them. Once again, i made my teeth rattling, colliding them. As the rhytmic and melodic which i already explain before, become more intense, denser, and deeper, inside my head. Deep in those brain nerve, which distributing the pulse for activity. 

I have some perception. One which can be use for anyone who needs it. I think it's okay to do what everyone seldom, even never do. As long as we are safe from what they say and we have enough courage and confidence to make it true, to cut through every wrong perception. What's wrong with abnormality? It is still a normal if one try to ask it to me. But, it lives, it moves, it runs its routine deep under. As a secret that everyone never knew.

All those things i say and explain will lead to this: my daily routine to visiting the shadow. Yes, it has its name, its name is The Shadow. And to be correct, it is "his" not "its". He is the entity i always visit when i have ideas which i can't share it to anyone because one may think it's not important to talk about. I like him, i am already believe him as my twins, a silent twins. Silent is the thing that i love from him. With the presence of Silent inside of him i can talk anything whether it's important or not. I don't need him to reply everything i said, all i want is a place where i can pour my ideas, my problems, my perception et cetera. Sometimes i feel i'm mad, i'm already mad by keeping this routine since i sit in elementary school. Even i am already feel the embarassment by keeping this routine in junior highschool. She said "Are you talking to yourself?", i replied "No, i was singing." And the smile of satan, the smile of disbelive incurve on her face. Everybody won't know the truth about my "distinctive" routine. To understand this, i reccomend somebody to live inside me for a week.

On my routine to visiting the shadow, i always had a nice conversation with him. once again it is because  the silent which lives inside him. I talk, i share almost everything to him. the topic i seldom, but i always talked to him is about my past. the past story that i love to share is when i live as an elementary student. it is so grateful when i imagine the sun awhich makes my former living smile, the grass shining, the people inside the living laughing and playing together without any boundaries. The fields that always unite us in happiness and clarity. I remembered those scene, the shadow just listening to me without complaining. But, somehow, sometimes i feel that he response my act, silently without voices. it is like his ideas, his replies goes straight to my mind and effectively amuse me, somehow. I also tell him about the problem i have with my life. The problem i face when someone calls me as a junkie well, my appearnce in their shallow minds which makes their perspective wrong and.. ABNORMAL. When i fell in love with that girl but, i can't move on, i can't make a single move, i am inconfident to go straight at one's heart. Those problems they have their own solution, solution that comes from the shadow's "telepathic" skill to shot and penetrates my abstract side in my brain. Until now, i don't know what the shadow is, who is the shadow? i guess i only have a hipothesis that the shadow is an entity which lives inside one individual and together, the individual and their shadow live, having life experiences as one. Whether he or she aware or not aware his or her shadow.
Someday, as always i visit my shadow again. And i'm very surprise he's not responding all of my words i said to him, at that time i feel empty, there's no one there except me. I can't call him out. I never call him. he came as soon as i came. And another peculiar thing is i didn't notice it, the lost of his presence when i start to talk. I notice that he isn't there in the middle of my speech..
It's been a month since the silent, the real silent of the shadow. I don't know what caused it, as long as i remember i never dissmissed him because i can't. Dissmissing him is as the same as dissmissing my soul out from my fragile body. It's Friday again, I watch my wrist watch again, i'm standing in front of a miror in my room. I'm not praising myself, i'm not adoring myself as Narcissus did. I just.. stare at my reflection in the miror, observing the face. My observation is getting intense. I looked at my own eye, still in the same distance i watch my wrist watch. Then, that feeling come out. Like a flash of a lightning, i almost can't see it, a transition is happening inside of me. What i found next is it's getting dark, the room it's now unseen. Sinking by the darkness. Those occurence happen like a pass out or maybe drowse to fall out. I feel myself awake, but bizzarly i still standing in the same position before the blackout happens. But, all i can do is seeing, i can't move my hand, i can't everything even rolling my eyes! what happens next is a dialogue..
"how does it feel to be alive? alive in the real world?." a voice coming from nowhere, as if it is asking me
"how does it feel, when you can speak, you can hear, and you can touch something?"
"what do you mean?" a blessing for talking has gifted to me
"answer me, me the one who stay alive, me the one who stay dormant inside one's life."
(it's come like a revelation, the one who talked is him)
"answer me.."
"is that you? is that really you?"
"I'm the one, the entity whose lived inside one soul..",... "I shall not transfere to, i shall not pass through.."
(he.. he can't hear me.. even though i can hear my own..)
"you can not talk? then what's that mouth you have? you have friends, why you always come? i should be alone, i should have no friends, i should not talk to you again" "what? you still need me, how is that supposed to be? you always run, run to me, hide before my back.. the fragile soul, the lost one, the lone one.. forever? you can't.."
After that dialogue, the last one.. the shadow never "speak" to me again. I'm already too much run, run towards him, The Shadow, my self, my hideout.