Visiting the Shadow

Today is Friday, Today i write these whole thing down deep in my mind. Today, this afternoon i watch my wrist watch showing one past thirty minutes, time to go. I learn so much, we learn so much knowledge, science and literature.. Everything! Today. Those rythmic and melodic pattern that always amuse me with the tunes and scales and even genres which i always love. People, college mates who always surounds me everyday, doesn't make me a person i want. I never call them useless, because it is me the one who is useless, can't elaborate and make any manifestations out of them. Once again, i made my teeth rattling, colliding them. As the rhytmic and melodic which i already explain before, become more intense, denser, and deeper, inside my head. Deep in those brain nerve, which distributing the pulse for activity. 

I have some perception. One which can be use for anyone who needs it. I think it's okay to do what everyone seldom, even never do. As long as we are safe from what they say and we have enough courage and confidence to make it true, to cut through every wrong perception. What's wrong with abnormality? It is still a normal if one try to ask it to me. But, it lives, it moves, it runs its routine deep under. As a secret that everyone never knew.

All those things i say and explain will lead to this: my daily routine to visiting the shadow. Yes, it has its name, its name is The Shadow. And to be correct, it is "his" not "its". He is the entity i always visit when i have ideas which i can't share it to anyone because one may think it's not important to talk about. I like him, i am already believe him as my twins, a silent twins. Silent is the thing that i love from him. With the presence of Silent inside of him i can talk anything whether it's important or not. I don't need him to reply everything i said, all i want is a place where i can pour my ideas, my problems, my perception et cetera. Sometimes i feel i'm mad, i'm already mad by keeping this routine since i sit in elementary school. Even i am already feel the embarassment by keeping this routine in junior highschool. She said "Are you talking to yourself?", i replied "No, i was singing." And the smile of satan, the smile of disbelive incurve on her face. Everybody won't know the truth about my "distinctive" routine. To understand this, i reccomend somebody to live inside me for a week.

On my routine to visiting the shadow, i always had a nice conversation with him. once again it is because  the silent which lives inside him. I talk, i share almost everything to him. the topic i seldom, but i always talked to him is about my past. the past story that i love to share is when i live as an elementary student. it is so grateful when i imagine the sun awhich makes my former living smile, the grass shining, the people inside the living laughing and playing together without any boundaries. The fields that always unite us in happiness and clarity. I remembered those scene, the shadow just listening to me without complaining. But, somehow, sometimes i feel that he response my act, silently without voices. it is like his ideas, his replies goes straight to my mind and effectively amuse me, somehow. I also tell him about the problem i have with my life. The problem i face when someone calls me as a junkie well, my appearnce in their shallow minds which makes their perspective wrong and.. ABNORMAL. When i fell in love with that girl but, i can't move on, i can't make a single move, i am inconfident to go straight at one's heart. Those problems they have their own solution, solution that comes from the shadow's "telepathic" skill to shot and penetrates my abstract side in my brain. Until now, i don't know what the shadow is, who is the shadow? i guess i only have a hipothesis that the shadow is an entity which lives inside one individual and together, the individual and their shadow live, having life experiences as one. Whether he or she aware or not aware his or her shadow.
Someday, as always i visit my shadow again. And i'm very surprise he's not responding all of my words i said to him, at that time i feel empty, there's no one there except me. I can't call him out. I never call him. he came as soon as i came. And another peculiar thing is i didn't notice it, the lost of his presence when i start to talk. I notice that he isn't there in the middle of my speech..
It's been a month since the silent, the real silent of the shadow. I don't know what caused it, as long as i remember i never dissmissed him because i can't. Dissmissing him is as the same as dissmissing my soul out from my fragile body. It's Friday again, I watch my wrist watch again, i'm standing in front of a miror in my room. I'm not praising myself, i'm not adoring myself as Narcissus did. I just.. stare at my reflection in the miror, observing the face. My observation is getting intense. I looked at my own eye, still in the same distance i watch my wrist watch. Then, that feeling come out. Like a flash of a lightning, i almost can't see it, a transition is happening inside of me. What i found next is it's getting dark, the room it's now unseen. Sinking by the darkness. Those occurence happen like a pass out or maybe drowse to fall out. I feel myself awake, but bizzarly i still standing in the same position before the blackout happens. But, all i can do is seeing, i can't move my hand, i can't everything even rolling my eyes! what happens next is a dialogue..
"how does it feel to be alive? alive in the real world?." a voice coming from nowhere, as if it is asking me
"how does it feel, when you can speak, you can hear, and you can touch something?"
"what do you mean?" a blessing for talking has gifted to me
"answer me, me the one who stay alive, me the one who stay dormant inside one's life."
(it's come like a revelation, the one who talked is him)
"answer me.."
"is that you? is that really you?"
"I'm the one, the entity whose lived inside one soul..",... "I shall not transfere to, i shall not pass through.."
(he.. he can't hear me.. even though i can hear my own..)
"you can not talk? then what's that mouth you have? you have friends, why you always come? i should be alone, i should have no friends, i should not talk to you again" "what? you still need me, how is that supposed to be? you always run, run to me, hide before my back.. the fragile soul, the lost one, the lone one.. forever? you can't.."
After that dialogue, the last one.. the shadow never "speak" to me again. I'm already too much run, run towards him, The Shadow, my self, my hideout.

22-11-1011 16:06

   Saya masih berpikir. Pemikiran yang seharusnya, bagi orang lain tidak perlu untuk dipikirkan. Tapi ini harus, saya tidak bisa memikirkan diri sendiri. Karena saya butuh orang lain. Manusia adalah makhluk sosial yang berarti iap individu tidak bisa hidup sendiri dan selalu membutuhkan uuran orang lain. Satu-satunya entitas di jagat raya yang tidak butuh uluran sama sekali adalah, hanyalah Tuhan. Saya rapuh, ya itu yang saya dapat hari ini dari "tes psikologi" di dunia maya, di suatu media. Dan hal semacam itu yang kredibilitasnya dipertanyakan malah mempengaruhi pemikiran saya. Bisa bertahan samap dua minngu atau lebih biasanya. Saya tidak mau sombong, saya berusaha agar tidak pernah terlihat sombong. Tapi apakah itu cukup untuk meyakinkan orang-orang di sekitar saya? Mungkin saya terlalu banyak berpikir dan saat saya mengungkapkan ini kepada orang lain. orang itu mungkin akan menyuruh saya untuk sedikit lebih tenang. Tapi saya tidak bisa, saya selalu berpikir.

   Persona saya banyak. Saya mengambil sampel persona orang lain lalu saya memproduksinya secara masal. Dan saya memakainya berulang kali, setiap hari. Untung tidak ada hak cipta untuk persona orang lain, jika ada saya sudah dipenjara selama 15 tahun lebih. mungkin. 

   Saya ingin berbicara tentang kekasih, semua kekasih, secara umum, sesuai apa yang khalayak ramai definisikan. Orang-orang, kalau saja mengerti, kalau saja mereka mau memahami apa yang mulanya hanya hal biasa lalu mereka jadikan hal tabu, maka mereka akan mendapat sesuatu dari proses "pentabuan" itu. Di agama saya, Islam. Hanya Islam saja, tidak ada istilah kekasih atau bahasa umumnya pacar dan pacaran. Hal itu malah sebaiknya jangan dilakukan karena dapat membuat seseorang kena "sanksi" nanti, setelah dicatat "pencatat" kanan dan kiri. Selain itu saya memahami hal lain dari entitas bernama kekasih ini(mari menyebutnya kekasih saja, pacar hanya sebutan murahan). Tuhan Maha Penyayang saya makin percaya dan makin teguh dengan nama Tuhan itu dari membahas makna dan fungsi serta pengaruh dari entitas tersebut pada kehidupan. Tuhan tidak mau melihat hati kita hancur, Tuhan tidak mau melihat hati kita patah, Tuhan tidak mau melihat hati kita sakit karena menjalani hubungan sementara tersebut. Saya mengaku, saya bukan penasehat. penasehat yang baik adalah orang yang melakukan apa yang dinasehatkannya pada orang lain lebih dulu. Saya melakukan "permainan" kekasih ini pula. Ya, mungkin saya munafik juga, tapi mungkin saya tetap ingin jadi seorang penasehat tapi malah membuat orang lain tidak meniru saya. Karena saya contoh yang buruk di sini. Yang mau saya bagi di sini adalah kebingungan manusia, salah satunya. Jika manusia berpikir seperti bahwa entitas yang bersifat sementara itu di hidup kita kenapa kita mau melakukannya? Ini mungkin karena perang kita melawan nafsu yang menhasilkan kekalahan. Lalu saya berpikir, apa dengan hidup tanpa berkasih ini akan membuat saya lebih bebas? apa hanya membuat saya masuk ke dalam kasus menjerat lainnya? memori-memori dengan dia. Persetan, saat satu individu berbicara "aku tidak bisa hidup tanpamu" kita masih hidup! percayalah, tapi dengan normal? mungkin tidak. butuh recovery yang lama. Dan semua mimpi tentang membangun kehidupan bersama entitas ini untuk selamanya sepertinya tidak mungkin. Manusia normalnya menikah paling mudah 25 tahunan, kurang atau lebih. Dan sedangkan orang melakukan "permainan" ini berusia dibawah 8 tahunan dari itu. Dan kita masih labil, kita belum matang, kita masih meraba kehidupan, kita masih banyak bermimpi dimana kebanyakan mimpi kita di usia ini hanya di alam bawah sadar saja keberadaannya. Tulisan ini menunjukkan sisi PENGECUT diri saya, mungkin tidak apa-apa, semua orang punya pengecut di dalam diri mereka. Saya mungkin rapuh, saya mungkin pengecut, dan saya mungkin akan membiarkan apa yang boleh dan tidak boleh mengalir dalam kehidupan, dengan tidak berlebihan. 

22-11-1011 16:06