diari siang hari

siang hari
siang ini
siang yang tanpa henti

siang dimana umat menapak hari
tiada lelah
rasa itu seperti tak pernah menjarah

siang itu
siang di masa lalu
siang ini kuingat kamu

siang dalam pelukan adalah aku
dalam genggam erat kedua lenganmu
damai disana, hilang semua semu

siang ini
mereka berkelana pergi
meramu proses jual dan beli

kusisihkan ingatanku akan kau
objek aku, pujangga
yang larut olehmu, hingga ke dalam sebuah prosa

siang tak pernah sesulit ini
siang tak pernah sesunyi ini
tanpa beliau, urusan dari balik meja yang mengejar

siang adalah nyawa bagiku dan kau
siang seperti wajahmu
siang adalah wajah yang tak kunjung muram

siang ini kutulis ini
sebuah buah tangan yang tak mudah dimengerti

bentuk yang mungkin dinilai dan dicaci
karena ini adalah aku, aku adalah ini

TERSERAH!

siang ini
aku hanya ingin meluangkan waktu.

Antapani, 14.23

Antara Dua Insan

Kau sudah menunggu begitu lama
Maka saatnya bagiku untuk pulang.

Aku tak berani menanggulangi janji
atas emas, atas sutra, atas nama
atas pentas kita di pelaminan nanti
aku gagal, sangat gagal

Tak perlu kamu begitu
melihatmu datang, habis dari seberang
penatku hilang
bersama rindu pergi melayang

Aku harus begini, percayalah harus begini!
aku tidak mau lupa, aku tidak mau lari.
Aku tidak ingin menjadi perompak
mencubumu, lalu menusuk membunuh mimpi-mimpi

Bagiku kamu selalu sama
kamu adalah dia yang datang dengan kecupan
untuk meredakan keputusasaan. kamu adalah dia
beserah sumpah padaku, untukku apapun kau lakukan.

Aku malu, aku lebih baik mati

Jangan, karena bila kamu mati
aku juga akan mati

Tak perlu kau begitu
tak perlu kau bersedu sedan untukku

Maka berhentilah kamu begitu
dan berjanjilah
untuk mencoba menyelesaikan apa yang telah kamu mulai

Baik.
Bagimu, tak akan ada kekecewaan kedua

Bagiku, api dari hatimu
lebih terang dari lampion-lampion
yang kelak menemani kita dan para tamu


Dia sudah menunggu lama
Dia datang jua
dari tanah dimana perak, sekalipun emas
berserak

Mereka bersapa
Mereka bercanda
Bercumbu dalam tilam megah malam

Janji yang tidak terbeli
Hati yang melihat api
kata-kata kosong tak berarti
dibayar habis dengan luapan nurani

Bandung 14 Mei '12

Pelangi dan Bunga Matahari

aku terbaring
setelah logam itu menembus diri
aku bisa melihat cuaca sedang hangat
tapi aku merasa dingin.

saat ini
adalah saat, sesaat setelah tensi meredam dengan sendirinya
saat dentuman dan desingan benda melayang hilang
saat ini adalah saat bantuan datang.

aku terpaku
pada tangan yang menerpaku
membiarkan sedikit kehangatan datang
setelah aku menyaksikan banyak nafas hilang.

hanya 30 detik
aku tahu aku bisa mencintai dia selamanya
tapi aku tahu. di sana.
aku dan dia bisa bersama sangat sangat lama.

"lihat aku! dengarkanku!
ayo tetap bersamaku!"
"aku disini, aku distu bersamamu
dalam benakmu yang berisi takut akan kehilanganku."

saat kau membalut
aku takut aku tak bisa terbalut
dalam benakmu
dimana aku akan membuat ledakkan rindu sewaktu-waktu.

kau bilang
tunggu aku, aku akan kembali
dengan penyokong nyawa
bersama harapanmu

dari duduk
aku bisa tahu, truk itu sudah penuh
aku dan yang lain tak bisa terangkut
aku duduk bersama teman-temanku yang mulai membusuk.

aku sangat berharap kau kembali
dan menyentuhku lagi
berbagi kehangatan untukku
karena milikku kini, sudah mulai hilang.

aku bisa melihat cuaca sedang hangat
tapi aku merasa dingin
dan sebetulnya tadi dingin disini
dari air yang jatuh dari langit
aku terduduk dengan luka menganga di kepala
tapi entah kenapa aku sangat tahu
diantara dua pemandangan ini
yaitu pelangi dan bunga matahari
aku sangat tahu
ketika kau kembali
kau mendapati ku sudah pergi.

Bandung 4 Mei '12

The Devil's Assault

The Devil's Assault


     If you don't believe on satan and everything about supernatural.. satan worshiping, exorcism, satanism, spirit medium, ESP. you have to believe all of them, since I the one who suffers from it, no exorcist letting me free, breath freedom as everybody does. feel your flesh being cut, or being tickled at the more normal level. This mind, body, heart and soul are already belong to Him.
     I was walking. walking on .. i saw many mysteries on every people's face. their heart is reflected to their eyes. i can see it. every layer of masks people wear, every devilish pattern they've (probably) done before this. i can see it, that woman, with face resembles necklace of diamonds, a tiara with silver and white gold all around it. With rotten heart, greed, pride, falseness. She is the slaves, His slaves, bear the wings of Him, seduces every man, drink all what they got-- their gold, their flesh, their souls. i can see that old man, sitting on te arm chair, give his speech to the kids, to the youngs surrounded him in a circle. he keep talking about how brave he was, in time when war torn the land where he lives. he told his audiences, how he can survive the crowd of legions with the feel of nothing around his body--filled with wounds, inside and out--by holding and stabbing with the bayonet in his arms. i can see it, it was not bravery, nor courage a warrior in any fairytale should have. i can see his eyes glows red in the battle, i can see he grow stronger in the battlefield. I can conclude, he was striking, not surviving. he's one of many Devil's jokers. one that could easily be influenced by the thoughts of him--oh, the one, blessed by the fall and dismemberment. the one that would kill for pleasure, with the vigor to shed as much as blood to the mother earth, his or her motherland. Finally in my final conclusion i can conclude him as a betrayer, a liar, an entertainer for another one. i keep walking on this earth, as i keep set my eyes forward towards the night which will be everlasting when the time of the sun has pass away, when human never see the morning again, and darkness consume them.
     The idea of world in darkness spark me--one of the reasons i'm not tierd of walking. besides i can see what people are, i'm a god damned, great talent seeker. that's another reason from many why He likes me, truly likes me. He can not wandering this world by himself, he needs an agent to deliver what he wants. therefore he needs talents that are suitable for every delivery. I AM that one who He lends his trust to. I AM a god damned talent seeker, a great talent seeker. One of his best talent seekers is the one he had chose for making an infant to stab. eternity is the prize he gave to that talent seeker. and i want it.
     I found this human, the result of my walking routine. a hunter, with sharpshooting proficiency, well-built morphologies and physiologies and animal, no, devilish-instincted to slay anything.
     It was a very godforsaken mission--human have saintly mission, instead we have the opposite. i don't have to organize him to do the job. i am a good man, for i letting him finding the most suitable way to kill. this King of Creed ascend to his lectern, the place his people inspirate their mind about doing good things, and oppose evil things. He doctrined his people, make them swallow every crude thoughts he spoke. Making them to walk to the lights of truth, and stay away from the abyss of violent manners and thinkings. He can't see this happen. He can't see this human live freely and move people towards The Divine, He wants him dead, He wants him to be his doll that He played and soon after, be torn apart. He had already done many anathemas to him. making a candle from a chandelier falls into his eye, burn it, hollow out his left eye. He had made him almost regurgitate his own lungs by the help of his aide, who try to finish his job by almost pulling it out from his mouth, but once again it's not meant for His kind to wander, moreover to kill The Divine's creation. and so, the fate of The King is decided that night. the human i brought doesn't has the chance to shoot after The King's ascend. But, the story won't be better if he succeed in shooting. The King is there in his sleep. Breathing unwillingly and uncontrolably, trapped in dreams. the hunter is hiding below the shadow, which always protects us the being that feed from it and live from it, and the being we blessed to blessed by it. the hunter take his calm step towards the dreaming king. calmly, take the knife in the sleeve. blood's everywhere. a body's bleeding. a body is left that night, on a bed. a body with stabs. stabs that penetrates the head of the king, river of blood flown as the body runs out of the red liquid. any being that is around that night, celebrates. with their mouths full of reds. for the king's head.. damned, corrupted, rot, as He wants for a celebration of His victory should be.
     He sometimes bored. He can't always see the same view. what makes him feel that way, it's a bonus i would take.
     Mankind are drown for their own joy. their joy makes them forgot each other. the joy makes them forgot to give a bow for The Divine. their joy, the joy, makes them accursed.
when mankind lost their joy, they suddenly saw the divine. Not as The Benefactor but as a harbinger of downfall to them. they curse The Divine, as their joy died. they hate The Divine, for the lost of their joys. they sick of The Divine, they want to erase The Divine in their heart and mind. He, The Devil, The Prince of Digression, can't let this kind of chance slip away. He come right away as a helpful being. with warm greets to the kind of mankind, even though His soul's an eternal incinerator. with hug feels like thousands of angelic wings, even though a torn, sharper than that of a rose, wrappped around is the truth. He smile, his victim smile(for a while). a win-win solution.
I Am that delivery boy to deliver the joy. the joy what seems to them had lost by the interference of The Divine, revived by me with darkness's culture.
     Don't you have a thought a psychopath is a mentally ill person. that kind of person is a great example of the masterpiece He made, the joy, His version of joy. i've had seed in them, it will grow stronger and stronger, the will to hate, the will to kill, to mutilate and decapitate. no one should blame the psychopaths. they just doing their own thing, something that's personal, something they have to do. we have deaths upon their ears, whispering every act they should take. deaths help them, deaths help them the ones that should left the world to make the cycle keep spinning. the creation-the birth-the death-... and the rebirth. it's only a show of drama, more entertaining than pantomime. it's not the thing you always see everyday, that part makes it more interesting. no one knows i'm the only witness where the chief brutally bludgeoned with an axe by that seemingly innocent woman. she done it beautifully, just as she looks. Fifty hits the face, no one can't tell it's the chief anymore, other blows the back. if he still lives, he will lives with pain that makes him beg to be dead by the pains on his back. the best part is she doesnt forget his heart. she is in hunger at that time, hungry for souls, hungry of to be condemned, hungry of the rope she'll got for the gallows. his hear is in her stomach, still beating like the kicking of an infant inside her womb.
     I know that this, all i can tell to you, is kind of a heritage from me. you're the heir. i beg for You, to mercy me, let me walk upon that lights again. honestly, i am tired of all this. i just want to put an end to this. no more men tied with a contract, no more ladies have to sold their souls to Him.. no, he even doesn't his name to get capitalized in the beginning. But, somehow i will always be a servant of him, that is my reason why i need Your Mercy. Let me be burn by the flame if common cleanser won't work on me. let the flame consumed me, burn all the sins i have done, burning deep into my spine, into all, each cells of my body. I am bloody understood that i have to take this, let every atom in my body explode along with organs burnt. Here i am, trying to coming home for Eden. oh, The Divine lead me back to where i supposed to be. Home...

Xavier, a 32 years-old man had been convicted of wizardry, witchcrafting, using abominations and sanguinaries to serve the Devil. in the front of the judge and civils his body tremors, inside the cage of flames. the sound of the priest reading his guilt, his last words in a letter loudly pass accross heavens, all of the civils mind. he will be remembered as the agent of the devil. only a saviour will save his soul, while it is wandering around the underworld. nobody knows he supposedly innocent, he doesn't deserves the cage, he deserves a better death, die in his sleeps. nobody knows he used to save people, and on his last saves the devil assaults him, a contract, a sacred son has been saved, the servant of devil born, wanders the earth, deludes every ladies and gentlemen, and finally be cleansed by the flame.
 

a prologue

The sky is in rage
with both sides in their ground
nothing will unreplenished
the after effect will had bounds

the remains
some fall
some float
the fall become like-goat

the agents are recruited
with blood, marked the contract
the sky in rage once again
as wrath consumed The Divine

the contracted men
wanders every earth
try to collect souls
that are unheard

through the time
the time dies
sins and praise
to the sky they'll flies

Ruang Tunggu

Aku ingin melihat pintu itu terbuka
Lalu melihat beberapa raut muka
Bercerita, atas kejadian di dalam
di ruangan
Dan di dalam mereka.

Bengis
Aku jadi iblis
Nafsu membunuh
Dua tubuh
Mengusik ruang
Dimana aku ingin tenang.

Inginku pergi ke masa lalu
mengetahui dosa dalam darah
Aku yang telah dicipta
Warisankah?
atau telah mati dalam kubur bersama
Mereka, yang gugur, habis cipta

Satu-satu maju
menghilang ke balik pintu itu
Yang menatap kaku
Atas aku dengan hanya segumpal fikir di kepalaku

Aku menunggu pintu itu terbuka
Hingga aku dapat melihat raut-raut muka
Mereka
Aku
dan setelah pintu itu
Dirinya.

Bandung. 19 April '12

The Little Black Cat

Listen,
Carry me tonight.
Up on your shoulder
Through the crowd.

I spend my life for running

Listen,
Put out all the lights
So I can hide
Where all human sees
Me like a bad luck
Strikes me like a thief
Throw me
away from society.

I heard,
You saw me with your disguise
To make believe you have cares
Maybe, the blacks on my fur
Have penetrates into my heart.

9.23 Jatinangor

perjalanan astral

I

hari yang dulu ku kenal selalu terang
tiba-tiba menghilang.
seperti matahari
dimakan raksasa bumi
atau..
penglihatanku yang telah mati.

tapi tidak..
semuanya terkuak.
saat jiwa ini hilang dari tanah.
melayang.
melihat diri terbujur kaku
tanpa ekspresi atau nafsu.


II

dari kehidupan yang penuh akan kebosanan
hingga kini.
kehidupan yang terasa semu
aku bisa melihat apa yang orang lihat
saat aku tak terlihat.

dari iba yang palsu
hingga tangis dari dalam hati yang tersedu-sedu.

aku sebuah koma
aku berhenti sejenak, lalu akan beranjak.


III

air mata iba
mencucurkan rasa, menumpah ruahkannya ke segala
atau membuatnya menjadi kedok rahasia manusia

dalam kawanan itu.
dalam hingar-bingar kilat putih.
hati yang yang tertunduk, takluk atas kemunafikan.
dan kebohongan

aku hanya bisa melihat

IV

dari alam berwarna abu
tangan menengadah dan ada pula
mata yang meratap penuh ragu

menunggu butiran kekuningan
atau keperakan jatuh
dari tangan ke tangan.

"biarlah hanya tangan INI yang tahu.."

sampai segitukah?
wahai kalian makhluk yang
berberkah?
dengan tangan menengadah

menipu belas kasih manusia.
dengan muka muram dan
wajah manis, nan lemah, nan kecil-mungil
nan lugu

atau
kalian yang seperti ditelantarkan kehidupan
kalian yang menanggung cobaan Tuhan
kalian, ladang kami berbuat kebaikan

hati sejati tak ada berdusta.
Tuhan melihat hati,
Tuhan tahu mana yang baik dan keji
mungkin hanya butuh niat tulus
tanpa iming-iming pencitraan baik
memakai akal bulus.

aku hanya melihat

V

aku tak ingin dulu kembali
aku ingin terus menjelajah lagi..
aku tetap sebuah koma

untuk pencurah abstrak

"aku hanya mengetik
pada sosial media
terdengar menggelitik
dan kadang berbahaya"
"mungkin bukan niat
untuk membuat
curahan-curahan
yang seringnya terlihat murahan"
"mungkin hanya ini yang dilakukan
agar mata yang tertutup, terbuka
dan hati yang temaram, terang
seperti berbisik di tengah keramaian"
"sulit mungkin untuk dimengerti
terserah kau mau bilang apa
dari pengecut hingga banci
mungkin tangan di atas keyboard ini
dapat bergerak sendiri"

Antapani, 10/02/2012

seperti jauh

selalu tertatih, hingga letih
sampai teriak berubah menjadi lirih
dari lembar-lembar putih
yang menghitam, cepat tanpa belas kasih

tergoda dunia
kalian belum melihat neraka
hitam tak seperti surga
putih

menunggu sesosok jiwa pulih
dari tragedi yang sudah terjadi
tak ada waktu untuk bersedih
hanya menimbulkan letih
kembali
aku tengadahkan tangan
meminta pertolongan yang begitu dekat
datang
dari yang kelihatan
seperti jauh

"Aku dengan Keramaian"

Hanya bicara dengan lembar..
demi lembar halaman buku
Bercinta dengan tiap halamannya
sampai ada rasa menusuk kalbu
Bercumbu dengan tiap kata dalam karya,
aku

Berbicara dalam hati,
setelah intrapersonal mati
Melihat dari dalam kepala
mata hitam, kosong tak bersinar
pun tak berpijar
Memandang ke jauh
ke dekat
tak terlihat

Sepasang mata berkuda-kuda
penembak jitu dari dalam senja
mengejar, mengincar

Blitzkrieg, secepat kilat
tak menyisakan ruang
untuk berdiam
Sembunyi, duduk di dalam sunyi
hanyalah aku yang terpisah
dari kehidupan duniawi.

"Tuan Rumah"

Tuan Rumah ramah
Siap sedia beramah tamah
Tamu berdatangan tak terhingga

Tuan Rumah menerima segala
Mau yang meludah, atau yang bercinta di halaman rumah
Tamu adalah Raja

Tuan Rumah marah
Semua yang disedianya dijarah
Terjarah tamu-tamu prasejarah
Semua tinggal nama

Tuan Rumah angkat tangan, ia menyerah
Untuk Dunia yang ia lihat sekarang
"Tuhan tidak adil! Tuhan tidak adil!"
serunya lantang, menantang
Tuhan tertawa dan menoleh menolaknya

Tamu-tamu pergi, Tuan Rumah sendiri
Saling sindir-menyindir dengan bayangan diri dalam cermin
dan bayangan dalam hati.