9.06

Broken Love Letter

I'm sorry,
I shouldn't had those words be said to you. To someone like you.
It is just.. that wasn't me. It was another me who talk like that, in such way.
I'm sorry,
It has been too long, it seems, for me to realize that.. I have done a big mistake.
We know each other very well, very damn well, I guess.
You don't have to tell me that you know me like you know your back of your hand.
So do I, I know you. I really know you, with all my confidence, I do really know you.
I'm sorry,
There wasn't that much words I could speak. There wasn't proper expression came to known
for you to know who I really am, what kind of feelings I have for you.
I'm sorry,
I just have to keep this distance to not getting closer and closer. I bet you know I can't.
You know.. Life is the best, the most pathetic, and ironic show. Life is a comedy.
I mean.. how someone could let her or himself to be fallen in love again after being hurt
so many times? Don't they acknowledged that there are possibilities for them to be hurt again
someday if they are falling in love again?
No, no I am not. I am not writing a pathetic love letter which contains pathetic, sad expression.
That's not me.
I am just, writing what I want to tell you all this time. Those words, Those expressions, Those feelings
I burried deep inside my own existence.
Then again, about love, since when there are lovers? Being a lover is a kind of cowardice.
Why? and no, I'm not insulting you. It is because a lover, even lovers, has that almost absolute
freedom, total control of "love". Well. if that is their "love" they are having.
I am coward now, you have to know that. She has to know this to, but I can't let her knows about you.
How brave I declare that I am a coward won't change the fact that I am a coward, you and her have to know this too.
What I mean about total control of "love" is that kind of power that allows one to "use" love, to make use of "love", to get the best, the most of "love".. having love as a tool.
I am 100% aware that I am one of the member of such party that make use of such "love", but I never knew that before until recently. Love as a tool means that it can be used (and can only be used) to satisfy one's desire, one's lust. This kind of person, this kind of "love" will only bring its lovers to a pathway of doom, the way of being perfect sinners.

I'm sorry..
for loving you.
I'm sorry..
For love has to affect me with such effect
I'm sorry..
For I'm not strong enough to resist it
I'm sorry..
That I have to love you while I am obliged to forget a loved one.
I'm sorry..
For being a coward, a coward that always keep his mouth shut to tell you the truth
to tell you that.. I have this feeling I cannot explain, I have this experience I cannot ignore
I have this shame for having this feeling for you while I am still, ridiculously by following those "lovers", bound
with this somekind of relationship.
I'm very sorry for today's silence
I'm very sorry for being an imbecile, a being blinded, an idiot that "have" to be fallen inside your image.